There once was a baby called Merlin
So delicious it was quite concerning!
All that saw him just fell
In his magical spell
Now more mischief than tricks he is learning!
There once was feller called ollie,
Who could sometimes be found off his trolley.
In a hammock he swings,
He creates lots of things,
At his parties we all can be jolly!
There once was a feller named Eoin
Who would loose his own mind without knowing
With a smile on his face
He’d get lost in disgrace
The missed calls on his phone would start growing
There once was a feller named Enda
Put a bet on a horse named ‘pretender’
When it came in last place
he just laughed in disgrace
He’ll be driving his cab till September.
There once was a feller called Niall,
Who drove for troy chauffeurs a while.
All would know his repute,
With his smile and his suit,
He’s a crazy ass charmer with style!
There once was a lady called Pauline,
Tried some cake with her Besty while daudling,
While in Amsterdam town
Made new friends, had a howl,
All around them could hear the guffawing!
Our Nigel he works in Events,
Makes his living from parties and tents.
The mischief he’s shown me,
That Ska’ loving Homie,
Lives on every bash we frequent!
There were times I was an eygit and the dog house I was in
And you’ve had your moments – that we can be sure.
We’ve had barneys where we thought we might commit a mortal sin
But each time we’ve come back stronger than before.
We’ve had times of countless madness joined together in our quest
We have stories we could tell for years to come.
We’ve been drinking buddy’s, training pals, a quiz on who knows best,
Best leave lovers case this gets read by your mum!
Mostly up and we’ve been down (again I said we’d leave that out)
We have traveled far and shared most of our life.
But our journey’s not yet finished and of that I have no doubt
So to you I say: “you want me for a wife?”!!!!
The time has come at last for Jue and Dozzy’s joyous day,
It only took a thousand years to wed’ without delay.
You are invited for some vows, a drink, a dance, a meal,
(It’s on a farm so Dozzy can pretend that it’s not real)
The lovely pair have two great boys, a house, their life is great,
But honeymoon’s not been addressed, and garden is a state!
So, if you’re stuck for gift ideas, I’ve got a hint for you,
I know they’re fine for toasters/frames, just need a bob or two!
So please be there excitement builds, advice I’ll give is this-
The antics and tomfoolery, you will not want to miss!
Of course, it’s all about the vows, we’ll all be so impressed
You’re welcome and I’ll see you there – I’m sure in your best dress!
When all you want’s your perfect day, that’s not too much to ask?
A bride or groom that’s conscious or not forced into the task.
Your uncle Bert to not arrive inebriated first,
Your cousins not to make a scene and make your uncle worse!
The band to play some savage songs, the place will all be rockin’,
Uncle Bert is dressed as Rambo using Auntie’s stocking.
The food to all be gorgeous, not a hint of salmonella,
Your best mate Sam to leave the night attached to some hot fella.
So much to think of, most of which is out of your control;
The weather or your Uncle Bert who’s mad to play his role.
The time then comes to say, ‘I do’, then once the deed is done –
You’re free to make a holy show – relax and have some fun!
Note to my Betrothed!
The reason why I love you, should be so plain to see,
If we were youngsters, I would carve our names onto a tree.
Our children are quite metal, but they made us both grow up,
But we had to calm the antics when we bought our boxer pup.
It’s not because your vocabs’ great – you mostly get it wrong,
You are so hot and saucy we just love to ‘get along’!
You’re disappearing more and more into Troy studios,
Tell them keep their hands off – let them know you won’t propose!
It’s not because you’re like a washer woman round the place,
But when we’re hanging always there’s a smile upon my face.
It’s not because you’re never wrong or circle round my plate,
I suppose its coz when we first me we found a real soul mate!
Things were far from perfect in poor Cupid’s world of love,
He’d missed his targets yet again, now words came from above.
We cannot say his boss’ name for regulations sake,
So ‘Mr. G’ we’ll call him, no objections would be great.
So hapless Cupid thought about his wife and gorgeous kids,
Why couldn’t everyone on earth have lovely lives like his?
He waited as his sweaty palms ran down his trusty bow
Outside the big guy’s office, was his fate to stay or go?
“What’s going on?” said Mr. G with anger on his face,
“Divorce is up and marriage down your work is a disgrace!”
Poor Cupid hung his head in shame, probation had begun
His judgment and his aim were off he needed a new plan.
Now Cupid and his lovely wife were such a cozy fit,
They loved each other even though they were quite opposite.
Their road was sometimes bumpy, many mountains they had climbed,
But underneath they always came out with a love sublime.
Mrs. Cupid was the boss, a strong and feisty sort,
She took no crap from anyone and dancing was her sport.
She was an Angel in the field of medicine no less,
And sorted out the souls that came so they could be at rest.
Her kind and caring character held hands with her career,
Prosecco, gin and talking closed her nights with joy or tears.
Cupid was a witty type who loved his sitting room,
He loved the sofa with some beers while watching Liverpool.
United with their love for music, festivals and gigs,
His vibe was chilled and so laid back, hers colored afro wigs.
Their family would help them out and, on the town, they’d creep,
Recovery was on the cards – for him a lovely sleep.
So, Cupid and his lady love lived with their two wild lads,
With friends a plenty, always was commotion to be had.
He loved his nights out with the lads and many he could boast,
He played his vinyl’s loud and clear and entertained the ghosts.
Remembering ‘the man upstairs’ he stroked his chin a bit,
His choice of lovers had to change then arrows aim would hit.
He looked below and searched the earth – to fail it was berserk!
His family were due a break, the garden needed work.
Then suddenly a light came on above his pensive head
“Forget these youngsters I should back experience instead!
I need a couple who’ve been round the block with whom I’d trust,
A family that hits the mark, a family like us!”
Then Cupid’s eyes came resting on a house in Bayston Hill,
“Get off that sofa!” Came a voice – this one would fit the bill!
Cupid found his cross and bow and aimed it nice and steady,
He hit them both the occupants a wedding now was ready!
And after that the arrow that was shot from Cupids’ palm,
Created love that bound them both together on a farm.
The man upstairs he smiled at cupid “that was a slam dunk!
Go get your wife we’ll all go out and get completely drunk!”
We wish it wasn’t over it was all we dreamed it be
We’d do it all again next week if they would waive the fee!
It meant so much to have you there and see each smiling face
You are a crazy, lovey bunch – not many a disgrace…
We’d like to thank you for your gifts and coming to our day
You’re legends the whole lot of you, may good things come your way
The story Of Fred The Stork
The night was fresh, the air was clear in 1942,
As Fred the stork prepared his wings for the flight that he was due.
He was the most respected stork no baby he’d let fall,
He’d crashed just once and kept the feathers hanging on the wall.
His name was Fred to which was known by all his friends a’ plenty,
He’d drink and party, liked a smoke and ladies by the twenty!
He liked a bird with nice big breasts and cars that drove so fast,
He was the playboy of the storks but known for passing gas.
A sporty stork was Fred who followed rugby with great passion,
He’d drink his ale as Elvis played – “he’ll not go out of fashion”.
He loved to fly above all else it really was his love,
He’d carry babies in his beak, delivered from above.
Now Fred knew nothing of that night as wings began to flap,
With baby Ivor in his beak the wind blew on his back.
He knew his destination was the Enock family,
A condom shop in Acocks Green would host their son to be.
But as Fred passed the Middle East with camels on the sands,
A satellite in space back-fired and hit them with a bang!
What happened then is not quite known as Fred and babe dodged death,
Fred the stork just soldiered on he had a fighter’s breath.
The years went by and Ivor grew and unbeknownst to him,
That stork and he had joined as one – Fred lived on from within.
There was one problem that occurred from that eventful night,
That satellite beam interfered with something out of sight.
Every item Ivor touched with power running through,
He sent it A.W.A.L, fucked it up, he’d know not what to do.
From toasters to computers there was nothing he’d leave safe,
He’d mess up sat navs’, mobile phones and printers misbehave.
So if you meet him keep your things and don’t allow him touch
For ‘Ivor-itis’ will infect all things within his clutch.
So now you know the story of his journey here and sorts,
Remember Ivor’s journeys on with that of Fred the stork!
Things were tense some years ago at Irish MI5,
(A group so secret no one knows that they’re in fact alive!)
The head commander rubbed his head and looked upon his team,
“We need them now!” He told them all ‘the best we’re ever seen!”
An agent was in great demand with whom they could rely,
One that no-one could predict – they’d fool suspicious eyes.
“How about a woman!” said one guy “With patients found,
With children, maybe four of them, a husband and a hound.”
“We need a lass that’s pure and kind, to fool all known to her,
She must be gentle, generous with lovely blondie hair.
If she was honest all the better – no one would have guessed,
She was the next female James Bond, with more time being dressed!”
They searched the country for that mold then orders from above-
They’d found the perfect candidate that fit it like a glove.
“Her name is Marie Jordan. She’s the one we’re looking for,
She’s loved by all that meet her with a face that you’d adore!”
In person she’s a lady to her friends and family clan,
She cooks a dinner much desired by all her eager fans.
She’s always there to help you out, of that you can be certain,
She never moans when others would be hiding in the curtain!
“Her hubby could be useful as he’s kind of ‘in the know’
We’ll use him as the front of house for business (not for show).
We’ll tell them start a company, that’s best for those who note,
A taxi would be perfect with a fair and friendly quote.
She needs some stories for her time that won’t take much to sell –
Some foot op’s and some trips to Spain should both go down quite well.
We’ll keep the secret business in the house at first to train,
Then when she’s stronger ‘curves’ will do and crosswords for her brain.”
Sometime later all was done the girl was on the books,
On secret missions here and there, escaping outside looks.
She’s quite an expert – non would know that she’s a secret spy,
She acts ‘all flustered’ very well when pressure might apply.
So if you meet her, don’t be fooled, she had you taken in-
She’s actually a ninja with a side-line fighting sin.
She is a wonder woman with a heart she couldn’t hide,
So if you see her smile and just be glad she’s on our side!
We know that you’re not knackered, you’re not ready for the heap,
We know there’s life inside you yet, your marbles there to keep.
It’s just your job that’s at an end and freedom it is calling,
Your diary’s free to join a club, go boating or paint balling.
Your social life can rule your world, go travel or just chill,
Relax, enjoy, kick up your feet and ponder at your will!
There was a little oyster, Bob was young and very bright,
His future was in front of him, he worked some days, some nights.
As years went by, he grew so wise and life he wanted more,
Experience of different types, more purpose to explore.
The time then came he’d worked enough and free to go was he,
“The worlds my oyster!” Bob said “is the world ready for me?”